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When I was 10 I’m ashamed to admit that my best friend Brian had a poster of one of these above his bed. Most kids back then had a Ferrari Testarossa adorning their wall, but Brian had been to the Scottish Motor Show with his dad and he could think of nothing he wanted more than for his dad to buy one of these crude, tacky, junk heaps. Thank God his father had more sense.

It’s looks like the result of the unholy union of a Range Rover with an FSO Polonez, then it’s had a quality expert from the Kazakhstani government go over it to remove anything that might resemble metal, plastic or paint and replace it with hardened gruel. It’s most likely entirely held together by the snazzy 4×4 decals.

As long as you can get it to last long enough to reach the countryside, it could well be a solution for the fresh air worshipper who wants mainly to drive through cow pats this summer.

Best colour choice: Vomit

What?! Am I on drugs or something?? Why is a Ferrari in my crap convertibles list? Well, just look at the thing. It’s an aberration, an abomination! Four seats in a soft-top Ferrari? Men buy Ferraris to make them look virile and successful and most importantly, available. That’s why Ferraris should only have two seats (unless they are a 456gt, in which case they are still cool!). Ferraris are a selfish indulgence for men in the midst of a mid-life crisis. There only needs to be room for the work experience girl and an overnight bag. A Ferrari that says, “Let’s have fun and the kids can come along too” is not cool.

The Mondial never looked good as a coupe and it looks even more ungainly with the roof removed. It’s actually a very nice car to drive though and it makes a great noise! It’s still crap though!

Best colour choice: Rosso Corsa (Racing red, naturally)

It’s cute, I’ll give it that. However, from a bloke’s perspective, there’s nothing that says “I like shopping and dogs that fit in my handbag” more than this. This will be the convertible of choice for bimbo bunny boilers from Basildon. And as such it will be the most embarrassing vehicle to be seen in over the next two years.

If your wife or girlfriend decides to get one, you may even on occasion be forced to drive it, and this would be a fate worse than castration. Avoid at all cost.

Best colour choice: Girlie Pink with a Burberry interior

What better way to enjoy the environment than from the exposed, lofty heights of this gas-guzzler. Become at-one with nature whilst destroying it.

Now, not only does everyone know that you are a complete cock, but they can inform you of it too. In fact, should they wish to, vegetarians can now gob on you from their bicycles if you haven’t already squashed them. The birds (flying ones) can get their revenge too!

Best colour choice: Green (the irony)

Imagine the scene. It’s 1986 and you’ve just got your first bonus cheque for selling derivatives on the old stock market. You’ve got your choice of cars. You could get an Audi Quattro or a BMW 325i. Your dad’s always had Cavaliers though and you really like them, so you go into the Vauxhall dealership and come out with this.

What a machine! Not the neatest of convertibles nor the most aerodynamic or cool at all, in any way. What have you done?

Vauxhall have created some of the worst cabriolet atrocities in living memory (sorry Mart, but you know it’s true!) and this has to be the worst of a rotten bunch.

The Cavalier SRI saloon it’s based on wasn’t a bad car, but removing its roof makes it into the most embarrassing handbag and stilettos crap heap ever. An Escort XR3i was positively ice-cold next to this dullard.

Best colour choice: Rust (the only choice now available)